Saying Goodbye to Rose

I wrote the below letter after my sister passed. I debated whether or not I wanted to share this, but after working on this site for a while, I feel like a lot of it is in dedication to her memory. It feels like this should be here.

Dear Rose,

It’s been nearly five months since you passed and I still can’t believe you’re gone. I really miss you and I love you more than you’ll ever know. I wish so badly that you had been able to live a life of your dreams. That didn’t happen and I’m left wrestling with the tragedy. I wanted to save you. I wish I could have. I tried for nearly two decades to come up with something to get you out of an abusive situation. I was haunted at night imagining you there. I hope you are now at peace.

I’m struggling with guilt, Rose, since you died. I thought it may be helpful to explain to you now why I took the actions I took. When you would call me, you were in the same abusive situation I lived alone in as a teenager. I’m severely traumatized from that house, and your calls would constantly retrigger my own trauma. I blocked you out of self-preservation, a need to survive, but also because I thought it was the best chance of motivating you to save your own. It didn’t work, and I’m heartbroken for how our relationship ended. You used to be my best friend and we had a lot of laughs together. I will always love you. I got frustrated with you and for that I’m sorry, but I always loved you. I was struggling with my own trauma after doing that APS report for you.

I’ve had some complicated feelings, even anger towards you, for turning down APS’s help and not allowing our to counselors talk. I know that you were severely traumatized and likely struggling with confusion on who was really on your side. But I was always on your side, Rose. I’m sorry the boundary I set led to the cancellation of dinner and that hurt you. It was never my intent to pull a stunt or harm you or however it was framed by others. My only motivation was to get you to allow our counselors to talk, potentially saving your life. I sometimes wonder if I had been more patient if the outcome would have changed. But I know that it’s unlikely to have been the case.

The truth is that I was not equipped to deal with this situation. I tried my hardest. I relate to the age splitting effect of trauma and when you would call me and tell me what they were doing, I believe I was frequently triggered back to the teen years. So, in reality, I was probably like a teenager trying to deal with a very adult situation. I did my best, because I knew I was the only one who understood, but I just wasn’t equipped for it.

You deserved so much more out of life than you received, Rose. You had a warm, loving, and forgiving heart. In some ways, I think your ability to forgive those that don’t deserve it hindered you. Your empathy was so strong. I wish I could have explained to you how much I was hurting. I think you would have forgiven me too. But I didn’t want to hurt you more by telling you how much you were impacting me. I know your intention was never to hurt me.

I hope you can forgive me now. And keep forgiving me as I process through complicated emotions that include anger. Underneath the anger is a strong love for you. I just wanted to spend to last 40 years of my life with a healthy and independent Rose. I wish so badly that could have been the reality for you too.

I love you,

Victoria