Revenge vs. Accountability
Revenge vs. Accountability
Oct 11
One of the most common themes in my life is how often I am misunderstood. It hurts when I know my intentions are good, but they are misinterpreted negatively from the outside. One common example of this is the concept of revenge.
I’m consistently questioned on gifts or money I might have received. Like it compensates for the abuse I endured. I can’t wrap my head around this. No one asks the victims of Epstein what gifts they received. No one asks a victim of domestic violence about the flowers they may have been given. The money and gifts do not compare financially to the amount I’ve spent recovering in mental health care. I don’t imagine it would for most survivors. But what is the difference?
I am well aware there are those in society who would say stuff like this to victims who have already been through so much. My point is most morally strong people would not.
When it comes to myself, there seems to be a point of confusion. Even some of the best people I know cannot wrap their heads around this type of abuse from a parent. For some reason, telling your story is viewed as “revenge” when it’s a parent, but “bravely holding someone accountable” when it’s not a parent. I don’t understand. It’s all apples and oranges, but we all suffered the same psychological pattern of abuse.
I can’t grasp why standing for my sister (in this case, anonymously) is seen as revenge. She bore the shame for the whole family and experienced 43 years of direct abuse from them, with me experiencing it on a secondary level primarily through her circumstances. I mentioned the concept of a psychological double bind that I learned about recently. I see silence as a betrayal to my sister. It feels toxic to me. So when I speak, I feel I’m honoring my sister the way she truly deserved, but I’m interpreted as a revenge-seeker. It hurts a lot. I sometimes fluctuate into self-doubt in response, but lately seem to bounce back much faster.
When I went no contact with Beth and Gary at 30 (in Supporting Information), I did not want to hurt them. I just wanted them to admit what they did. If they had taken ownership long ago and not abused my sister for two additional decades, I would have fully forgiven them for my childhood, I believe. All I have done is give them ample opportunity to be held accountable. At this point, I am incapable of denying reality for their comfort. That would be a betrayal of Rose. If my truth telling is causing them to suffer, I believe that’s of their own making.
As far as actually wanting them to suffer, I have never wanted that overall and still feel deep guilt and sadness about the idea. I might want to tell them off sometimes, which is probably observable in my writing. But I do not enjoy the idea of inflicting pain on them. My focus is on my sister and how much her life mattered. I will not neglect her memory.
In my mind, revenge is, “You hurt me, therefore I’m going to hurt you.” I want to be clear that is not the intention behind any of this work. Accountability is asking for admission and the end of abusive behaviors. That is all I have ever asked of them and that is far from “revenge.” I understand their psyches’ may not allow it, but it should not be too much to ask, of any person.